Cuddling my beautiful little niece a couple of years ago
The truth about why I never became a mother
Twenty years ago, I was desperate for a baby. Little did I know at the time, that desperation would last another fifteen years, and I would never become a mother. Every month I would practically hold my breath when my period was due. I’d be elated whenever it was late. And when it came, my heart would break a little more. Every. Single. Time.
I remember one particular month, I was almost a week late. I’d bought a pregnancy test because I was so convinced I was finally pregnant. But the test was negative. I drove into work that morning in such a complete daze that I scratched the car when parking it. Hubby came to find out why I was such a wreck on the phone and when I told him, he just held me as I sobbed into his arms. It was becoming our routine.
PCOS and more…
We were told by a doctor that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome) which can be the cause of infertility. Hubby was also tested and there were some issues with him as well. So we tentatively looked into adoption. I don’t know if you’re aware but when you first go in for a chat about adoption, they do and say everything possible to put you off doing it. For us, it seemed to do the trick. Although I was open to adopting a child, hubby couldn’t bring himself to do it. I completely understood why, of course. They told us that most of these children came from abusive families or they were drug addicts, or worse. And because I cared so deeply for him, I accepted that adoption wasn’t for us.
So we continued trying, we even went down the medication route, but this proved to be hell on both of us. The pills they gave me turned me into someone else. I was completely out of character. Nasty. Depressed. Anxious. Angry and crying all the time. And in the end, we came to the conclusion that we needed to stop trying. We needed to stop the pills. We needed to accept that he would never become a father and I would never become a mother.
Acceptance
And although I still had that little flicker of hope inside of me, every month it started to wither, and soon I had fully accepted the fact that I would never become a mother. That I would never have someone to call me their mum.
And you know what? It’s okay. It’s also okay if you choose not to be a mother. Not every woman has to have a baby. Not every man has to become a father. After all, we do live in an overpopulated world. And at times, it’s not exactly the best world to bring a child into, is it?
To be completely honest, for the past five years or so, hubby and I have been glad that we’re not parents. We have lots of friends who had children, and one has even confided in me that if she could do it all again, she simply wouldn’t. It might sound harsh, but she’s just being totally honest – which a lot of people just wouldn’t do, for fear of what others would think. But it’s okay to be honest.
We know it’s hard work having kids
Having kids is incredibly hard. We’ve witnessed that for ourselves through our close friends and family members. We’ve seen how tough it is, not just in the beginning with sleepless nights and sick babies. But later when the kids are at school – all the running about that has to be done, the arguing with the pre-teenage sons and daughters, the constant worry that the kids are okay, the constant worry about bringing in enough money to raise a family, even the paperwork and stuff that must be done to register the kids in school. I know it sounds petty, but seeing it from a different perspective makes us almost sigh with relief that we haven’t had to go through it all ourselves. I also know that it makes me sound selfish. Perhaps I am. No, I know I am and that’s fine with me.
The physical side of things
Perhaps I should also mention the physical side of things. The fact that I never became a mother meant I never had to go through childbirth. I was once told by a chiropractor that had I ever got pregnant, I may not have been able to carry the baby to full term anyway. She told me that I had such issues with my pelvis that it just wasn’t strong enough. I’m not sure about that, to be honest, but I do know that I never had to suffer with many of the physical things that many mothers do. Weight-gain, stretch marks, sagging breasts, difficulty in re-gaining your waist – these are just some of the physical effects many women experience after pregnancy.
We can do whatever we want
The fact that I never became a mother has allowed us to do much more than our friends have been able to do. We are able to have long holidays at any time of year if we so desire. We can bugger off for long weekends away any time. Dining out and staying out all night if we want to (not that we ever do that!). An entire weekend can be spent doing nothing but vegging out in front of the TV – we can watch things that are totally unsuitable for children. Certain other activities (!) can be enjoyed at any time, anywhere in the house lol! We don’t have to go through the whole school gates scenarios – yeah, I’ve read Wendy Holden’s books about what women are really like at the school gates 😉 We can have hobbies that allow us to go out whenever we need to. The fact that I never became a mother allowed me to go off for a whole month to study to become a yoga teacher, for instance. And I’ve since launched Yogadocious on the back of that.
We are the object of envy!
Our friends often tell us they envy our lifestyle, and wish they could do what we do. But they can’t. Because they have kids. It might seem like such small things. Such petty things. But it’s the small things that add up. So if you are thinking about not having children. Bear all of this in mind. It’s okay. We’re okay. Actually, we’re more than okay. We’re approaching our mid-40s and we’ve got the most incredible life together. An easy life in comparison.
We’re well aware that we’ll miss out on other things like having family to look after us when we’re old but we’ll figure that out when it comes. In the meantime, we’ll continue to enjoy our freedom. It’s something we’ve always had and always will.
Don’t judge me
But don’t judge me because I never became a mother. It doesn’t make me any less of a woman. And don’t tell me there’s still time! Why do people do that? They ask me if I have kids and I tell them no. And the first thing that comes out of their mouth? “There’s still time.” No. I don’t want to be a mother now. I specially don’t want to be a first time mother at 42, either. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t disagree with women having children when they’re a bit older. In fact, I’m all for it – if that’s what they want. I’m happy. We’re happy. Whether it was by choice or not, the fact that I never became a mother has made me who I am today and for that, I’m truly grateful.
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